So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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