I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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