Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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