note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
