mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
