So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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