dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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