i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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