If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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