Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
