she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
