You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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