I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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