gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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