...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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