he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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