I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
