I just pynch a tree in the face
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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