You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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