Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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