Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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