I just cut my nipple shaving
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
