That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
