apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
