She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
