If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
