the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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