just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
