Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
