I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just forgot I was standing up.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize