Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
