I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
