woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
