i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
