he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
