tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
