I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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