Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
