see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
