After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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