if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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