He asked to "fluff my boner.."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Randomize
