Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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