She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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