I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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