hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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