I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
