you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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