Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
