He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
