Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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