i would punch a child for taco bell
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
