Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
