She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
