you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
