I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
