my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
