Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
