Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
