Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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