I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
