Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
