you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
