So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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