I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
