its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
