I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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